Had my EKG done at St. Mary's this morning. My heart looks strong enough to take on Herceptin.
Also got my chemo schedule from Dr. Schaffer's office today. It looks like my chemo treatments will go through August. This will mean that I will miss blackberry picking on our farm in Derby. I have been looking forward to making blackberry jam. Dad even gave me all his canning jars. Well, there is still next year ... it will be something to look forward to. It probably wouldn't have been fun trying to pick prickly berries with a wig on in the middle of summer.
It doesn't even look as if I will make apple picking because eight weeks of daily radiation will follow the chemo treatments. All right, crappy cancer, I will just have to find something else to do. Maybe I will make orange marmalade! See ... you don't win!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Exercise for the Body & Soul
I have upped my exercise time and the resistance on the elliptical. I am determined to get as much exercise in before the chemo starts ... I want to be as strong as possible when the battle begins. Strong in body and mind. This crappy cancer is not going to get me!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Wigs and more wigs
Thanks to Marianne from Merle Norman who made looking for wigs today a completely different experience from yesterday. If your insurance plays for it -- go to a professional! The activity I had been dreading became actually quite fun. And I learned that a chocolate brown with golden highlights actually look better on me than my own black color! Who knew that one's own birth color might not be the best color for one? I guess hairdressers do!
I found two wigs that we decided to purchase -- a shorter Gabor wig and a slightly longer Raquel Welch wig. I'm wearing these for work ... when I get home they are coming off! Next week I am going to get my hair cut short so that when chemo starts and my hair starts falling out, it won't be such a mess. And besides it will get people used to seeing me with short hair.
I know why losing my hair is so difficult for me. It has nothing to do with vanity. It has everything to do with it being a physical sign of my disease that I will have to look at everyday while in treatment. I know this is what it takes to kill crappy cancer and I do it willingly -- sometimes with anger and dismay in my heart but always fearlessly.
Thank you Marianne at Merle Norman for making my wig purchasing experience such a good one! She was professional and friendly and knowledgeable and so very nice. And thank you too to her colleague Pauline who was manning the front of the store but popped in when she could and who gave me samples to try. Thank you Pauline ... I will try them. You two ladies rock!
It really does take a team to fight this monster -- my wonderful family and friends whose prayers give me strength; the doctors who are saving my life; the people at work who make my burden a little easier; and the people like Marianne and Pauline who make gut-twisting moments like picking out a wig a good experience -- you have all touched my life.
I found two wigs that we decided to purchase -- a shorter Gabor wig and a slightly longer Raquel Welch wig. I'm wearing these for work ... when I get home they are coming off! Next week I am going to get my hair cut short so that when chemo starts and my hair starts falling out, it won't be such a mess. And besides it will get people used to seeing me with short hair.
I know why losing my hair is so difficult for me. It has nothing to do with vanity. It has everything to do with it being a physical sign of my disease that I will have to look at everyday while in treatment. I know this is what it takes to kill crappy cancer and I do it willingly -- sometimes with anger and dismay in my heart but always fearlessly.
Thank you Marianne at Merle Norman for making my wig purchasing experience such a good one! She was professional and friendly and knowledgeable and so very nice. And thank you too to her colleague Pauline who was manning the front of the store but popped in when she could and who gave me samples to try. Thank you Pauline ... I will try them. You two ladies rock!
It really does take a team to fight this monster -- my wonderful family and friends whose prayers give me strength; the doctors who are saving my life; the people at work who make my burden a little easier; and the people like Marianne and Pauline who make gut-twisting moments like picking out a wig a good experience -- you have all touched my life.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Today is exactly two months after my cancer diagnosis and of all the days, this is the day that makes me weep. I met with the oncologist, Dr. Susan Schaffer, and there is no way around it, I have to have chemotherapy with all its ugly side effects. The HER2 positive results cannot be ignored. Dr. Schaffer says that in the 10 years she has been doing this, she has seen only 2 or 3 cases like mine, where the tumor is so small but the HER2 is positive.
The recommended treatment is TCH (Taxotere, Carbiplatin, Herceptin) -- once every three weeks for 6 cycles; with Herceptin weekly during chemotherapy; then once every three weeks to total 1 year. Chemotherapy will be given via a port under the skin of my chest. The good Dr. Knaysi will do the procedure. Then of course after chemotherapy comes radiation. How does a human body survive so much?
I feel the frustration building up inside as I think of all the side effects, and I made the mistake of going over to the American Cancer Society to try on wigs, and none fit. I should probably have started with a regular wig place where I would have more choices. I probably would not have felt so helpless and depressed had I been able to find a suitable one.
I had myself a pity party as I scrubbed my shower stall furiously. Just tears of anger, frustration, helplessness ... I know better than to ask "why me?" because the answer will be ... Why not you? Mum went through hell and never once asked that, so I always promised myself that no matter what befell me in this life, I would just deal with it the best way I knew how.
I am still looking for the lesson to be learned here. What am I supposed to learn from having this cancer? What am I supposed to do with this?
The recommended treatment is TCH (Taxotere, Carbiplatin, Herceptin) -- once every three weeks for 6 cycles; with Herceptin weekly during chemotherapy; then once every three weeks to total 1 year. Chemotherapy will be given via a port under the skin of my chest. The good Dr. Knaysi will do the procedure. Then of course after chemotherapy comes radiation. How does a human body survive so much?
I feel the frustration building up inside as I think of all the side effects, and I made the mistake of going over to the American Cancer Society to try on wigs, and none fit. I should probably have started with a regular wig place where I would have more choices. I probably would not have felt so helpless and depressed had I been able to find a suitable one.
I had myself a pity party as I scrubbed my shower stall furiously. Just tears of anger, frustration, helplessness ... I know better than to ask "why me?" because the answer will be ... Why not you? Mum went through hell and never once asked that, so I always promised myself that no matter what befell me in this life, I would just deal with it the best way I knew how.
I am still looking for the lesson to be learned here. What am I supposed to learn from having this cancer? What am I supposed to do with this?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Back to Work!
I must be crazy but I am resuming my Monday schedule which means that I come in at noon and work till 8 pm. When I came in to work I had a vase of beautiful tulips and irises waiting for me with a card, and Anne also made cupcakes for me ... that was really sweet of everyone and I was touched.
It is good to be back at work ... to get dressed and get out of the house, but I am a little concerned. My breast still hurts and the hematoma is still there. Heating it helps a lot but when it cools off, the lump returns ... it is smaller but it has not disappeared. What is a littler disconcerting is that I still have pain in the breast ... sometimes it is a prickly feeling, sometimes it is stabbing little jabs, a long painful jab, and sometimes it just aches. I know it will get better at some point ... probably just in time for me to be zapped by chemo!
It is good to be back at work ... to get dressed and get out of the house, but I am a little concerned. My breast still hurts and the hematoma is still there. Heating it helps a lot but when it cools off, the lump returns ... it is smaller but it has not disappeared. What is a littler disconcerting is that I still have pain in the breast ... sometimes it is a prickly feeling, sometimes it is stabbing little jabs, a long painful jab, and sometimes it just aches. I know it will get better at some point ... probably just in time for me to be zapped by chemo!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Driving and Shopping
This is my last week at home and my first week of driving. I did some shopping with Sarah ... looking for a dress for the wedding she is going to in April in Maryland with David. We did our usual stops -- Kohl's, Marshall's, Ross, and we also hit DSW and Shoe Carnival. I found a pair of brown dress shoes to replace my much maligned old ones. And I wasn't even looking!
We stopped at McDonald's for lunch ... heehee ... what a treat! Sarah asked me something interesting. She looked at me and asked, "Are you afraid, Mummy?" I told her that I wasn't afraid of the cancer, that I knew I was going to survive this, but that I wasn't looking forward to the treatment. I told her not to be afraid and she said that of course she would always be afraid ... I was her mother.
When I thought of it later, I wish I had spent more time assuring her. Because I have not been afraid, I expected other people to feel the same way, and I forgot that she is just a twenty-year-old, terrified that she might lose her mother. I could live 21 more years and the fear will remain with her for all those years. I don't want her to live with the question "Is today the day I lose my mother to cancer?"
I want her to see that I live with hope that I will be there to pick out a wedding dress with her and play with my grandchildren. I want to look into their little faces and see their mother there, and tell them stories about her!
I must tell John to check up on her and maybe make time for just the two of them to talk ... my two rocks must keep each other upright.
We stopped at McDonald's for lunch ... heehee ... what a treat! Sarah asked me something interesting. She looked at me and asked, "Are you afraid, Mummy?" I told her that I wasn't afraid of the cancer, that I knew I was going to survive this, but that I wasn't looking forward to the treatment. I told her not to be afraid and she said that of course she would always be afraid ... I was her mother.
When I thought of it later, I wish I had spent more time assuring her. Because I have not been afraid, I expected other people to feel the same way, and I forgot that she is just a twenty-year-old, terrified that she might lose her mother. I could live 21 more years and the fear will remain with her for all those years. I don't want her to live with the question "Is today the day I lose my mother to cancer?"
I want her to see that I live with hope that I will be there to pick out a wedding dress with her and play with my grandchildren. I want to look into their little faces and see their mother there, and tell them stories about her!
I must tell John to check up on her and maybe make time for just the two of them to talk ... my two rocks must keep each other upright.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Recheck and Hematoma
Had my recheck today with Dr. Knaysi's nurse practitioner, Susan. Everything looks good ... I am healing well. I have developed a hematoma ... that hard, painful lump at the site of my surgery is apparently a hematoma. She said to apply heat to it several times a day.
Everything is healing well with my surgery but there is a drawback -- with the HER-2 test -- mine has come back positive. This means that the type of cancer I have is aggressive and now chemo is back in the picture. There is a new drug to treat this type of cancer -- Herceptin, but it has to be given with chemo ... crap ... crap ... crap!
I had hoped to escape big bad chemo but apparently this is not to be. But the oncologist has to decide what the treatment is going to be. I can do some research before meeting with her now that I know what I may be facing.
I also have a copy of the pathology report so I got to study that at home. My cancer is Stage 1. There is something else on the report I don't quite understand ... it also has "Ductal carcinoma in situ" as Grade 2. I guess my cancer started there and moved into the invasive stage. It is so small ... 7 mm. So it looks like Stage 1, Estrogen Receptor is Positive; HER-2 is Positive.
I am not liking this Herceptin. No chemo drug is a cakewalk but this can cause congestive heart failure. I'd better stop reading before I scare myself.
I may have made a mistake but I asked for a Return to Work form for April 21. I am going back to work a week before my disability is over now that I know that I may have to have chemotherapy because I bet that there will be days when I won't be able to get out of bed. All the things I have to look forward to ...
Everything is healing well with my surgery but there is a drawback -- with the HER-2 test -- mine has come back positive. This means that the type of cancer I have is aggressive and now chemo is back in the picture. There is a new drug to treat this type of cancer -- Herceptin, but it has to be given with chemo ... crap ... crap ... crap!
I had hoped to escape big bad chemo but apparently this is not to be. But the oncologist has to decide what the treatment is going to be. I can do some research before meeting with her now that I know what I may be facing.
I also have a copy of the pathology report so I got to study that at home. My cancer is Stage 1. There is something else on the report I don't quite understand ... it also has "Ductal carcinoma in situ" as Grade 2. I guess my cancer started there and moved into the invasive stage. It is so small ... 7 mm. So it looks like Stage 1, Estrogen Receptor is Positive; HER-2 is Positive.
I am not liking this Herceptin. No chemo drug is a cakewalk but this can cause congestive heart failure. I'd better stop reading before I scare myself.
I may have made a mistake but I asked for a Return to Work form for April 21. I am going back to work a week before my disability is over now that I know that I may have to have chemotherapy because I bet that there will be days when I won't be able to get out of bed. All the things I have to look forward to ...
Friday, March 11, 2011
Visit with the GP
It seems that all I do is visit with one doctor after another. Mind you, I am not complaining, I do understand that it will take a whole team of doctors to save my life. This morning's visit was with my GP, Dr. Nicholson, for my six-month check-up.
And once again I got the usual "You are looking very well." I wonder whether any of these doctors have ever said "You are not looking so well" to any of their patients? I really shouldn't be so snippy ... I really am looking well ... I actually have not looked ill through anything I have gone through these last two months. It just seems a little ironic to be glowing with good health when the battle of my life is about to begin.
Anyway, I got to peek at Dr. Nicholson's notes and there is a pathology report from Dr. Knaysi's office. I made a mental note to ask for it when I go for my recheck next week.
And once again I got the usual "You are looking very well." I wonder whether any of these doctors have ever said "You are not looking so well" to any of their patients? I really shouldn't be so snippy ... I really am looking well ... I actually have not looked ill through anything I have gone through these last two months. It just seems a little ironic to be glowing with good health when the battle of my life is about to begin.
Anyway, I got to peek at Dr. Nicholson's notes and there is a pathology report from Dr. Knaysi's office. I made a mental note to ask for it when I go for my recheck next week.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Getting Stronger ...
I am back on the elliptical ... I am starting with 10 minutes and making my way slowly up to where I was before the surgery. I am counting on the exercise giving me happy hormones! I'd really like to get back to yoga but I know I can't do all of the positions yet ... I should be able to do it during the weeks of chemo.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Almost a Week
I am alone today. John has gone back to work and Sarah has gone back to her apartment. Well, the two cats are with me, so I am really not alone. Tiger has been sleeping on my side of the bed ever since my cancer diagnosis and when I am in the armchair, he hops on the arm ... he knows something all right. Can't fool animals!
Can't believe that at this time last week I was preparing for my surgery. Time is such an equalizer ... a day, a week, a month ... makes such a difference.
Can't believe that at this time last week I was preparing for my surgery. Time is such an equalizer ... a day, a week, a month ... makes such a difference.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Reading ... reading
Sometimes I am so bloody tired of reading about this crappy cancer. I want to know enough to be prepared but too much just tires me out. My life is much more than this disease. I am making it part of my life and not making my life part of it.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Third Day and Counting ...
It's been three days and while the bandages are off the pain is very much present ... the breast throbs and is tender. I have to move carefully ... I cannot lean forward or reach suddenly. I did try to get on the elliptical this morning, but Sarah caught me and took my sneakers away! I was a little speechless for a moment -- she took my sneakers away ... my child took my shoes! I got them back when I promised not to get on the elliptical for the next two days. I figured I could hold off for that amount of time.
I went downstairs to read ... have to finish my Sarah Donati book.
I went downstairs to read ... have to finish my Sarah Donati book.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Bandages Come Off & Pathology Report
I cannot put it off anymore ... the post-op instructions say that the bandages should be removed the day I get home or the day after, and I've already given it more time. Besides I want a shower and to wash my hair! I know it will make me feel mighty good, in spite of the very present pain and I am still shuffling like an old woman.
I asked John to help me with the bandages but did it myself when I woke up. I started with the bandage over the lymph node because I figured that would be the less gruesome. And it isn't! There is a sterile strip that covers the incision and a little bruising under. Then, cowardly me, gingerly pulls the bandage off the breast and I am truly amazed. There are two sterile strips around the nipple, the breast is swollen, and that is all the evidence of surgery there is. I love Dr. Knaysi! I didn't think it would matter so much to me, but it does. Not so silly if you think that any surgery that changes the way you look is a constant reminder that this monster came to visit and may still be lurking within.
It was so good to feel clean again ... no more pajamas for me today. I am in my yoga pants and front buttoned shirt and I am still grateful for that sports bra!
At 4 pm, Susan Uhle from Dr. Knaysi's office calls with the pathology report. The lymph node came back clean ... no cancer! The margins of the lump that was removed were all clean, so there is no need for more surgery. The tumor was 7 mm ... it is about half of an M&M ... that is how small it was. I am indeed the lucky one!
More flowers and cards arrive today. John brings in a flower arrangement in a teacup and says, "This is from someone who knows you!" And show enough ... it is from the Forbes. The roses are a beautiful shade of lavender ... very unusual.
I thank God for all these wonderful people who have been praying for me and am touched by their thoughtfulness.
I asked John to help me with the bandages but did it myself when I woke up. I started with the bandage over the lymph node because I figured that would be the less gruesome. And it isn't! There is a sterile strip that covers the incision and a little bruising under. Then, cowardly me, gingerly pulls the bandage off the breast and I am truly amazed. There are two sterile strips around the nipple, the breast is swollen, and that is all the evidence of surgery there is. I love Dr. Knaysi! I didn't think it would matter so much to me, but it does. Not so silly if you think that any surgery that changes the way you look is a constant reminder that this monster came to visit and may still be lurking within.
It was so good to feel clean again ... no more pajamas for me today. I am in my yoga pants and front buttoned shirt and I am still grateful for that sports bra!
At 4 pm, Susan Uhle from Dr. Knaysi's office calls with the pathology report. The lymph node came back clean ... no cancer! The margins of the lump that was removed were all clean, so there is no need for more surgery. The tumor was 7 mm ... it is about half of an M&M ... that is how small it was. I am indeed the lucky one!
More flowers and cards arrive today. John brings in a flower arrangement in a teacup and says, "This is from someone who knows you!" And show enough ... it is from the Forbes. The roses are a beautiful shade of lavender ... very unusual.
I thank God for all these wonderful people who have been praying for me and am touched by their thoughtfulness.
 | ||||||||||
| Beautiful roses in a teacup |
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
The Day After
I wake up at the crack of dawn ... there was no sleeping in for me because laying down was too painful. It was much better to be up.
Another sponge bath and yes, I am still afraid to look so I am very glad that the entire breast is covered with the bandage. There is also another bandage covering the site of the lymph node surgery. What I cannot see won't scare me. I never thought that it would affect me so much but I really cannot look right now. The instructions say that I can remove the bandages the next day but there is no way I am doing it!
I'm back in a clean set of flannel pajamas and I get back on the couch. John and Sarah are my two very able nursemaids. Sarah is a Nazi about making sure that I don't move unnecessarily. Where did that child learn such tactics? Must be the German blood from both sides.
I get flowers from the people at work who know about the surgery ... that was really sweet. It's a pretty arrangement of daisies, mums and roses in a beautiful shade of orange in a square vase. I have to protect it from that crazy Cloudy ... she is not eating my pretty flowers!
The cards have started to arrive and Barbara has sent me a fleece blanket to comfort me during my treatment. I am touched and deeply grateful for my "Prayer Warriors" (thanks Jennifer for the term!) who are sending prayers from all over the world to God. I know he is listening ... I feel the comfort of those prayers.
Another sponge bath and yes, I am still afraid to look so I am very glad that the entire breast is covered with the bandage. There is also another bandage covering the site of the lymph node surgery. What I cannot see won't scare me. I never thought that it would affect me so much but I really cannot look right now. The instructions say that I can remove the bandages the next day but there is no way I am doing it!
I'm back in a clean set of flannel pajamas and I get back on the couch. John and Sarah are my two very able nursemaids. Sarah is a Nazi about making sure that I don't move unnecessarily. Where did that child learn such tactics? Must be the German blood from both sides.
I get flowers from the people at work who know about the surgery ... that was really sweet. It's a pretty arrangement of daisies, mums and roses in a beautiful shade of orange in a square vase. I have to protect it from that crazy Cloudy ... she is not eating my pretty flowers!
The cards have started to arrive and Barbara has sent me a fleece blanket to comfort me during my treatment. I am touched and deeply grateful for my "Prayer Warriors" (thanks Jennifer for the term!) who are sending prayers from all over the world to God. I know he is listening ... I feel the comfort of those prayers.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Surgery Day
March 1st is finally here. We get to St. Mary's by 7:15. I've packed an overnight bag just in case I have to stay overnight ... I will do whatever the doctor tells me to.
My first stop after admissions is Nuclear Medicine where I am supposed to get this radioactive dye injected into my breast. This dye will identify the lymph node which the tumor has drained into and that is the lymph node that will be removed.
A nice nurse named Tatiana prepped me and then we waited and waited for the doctor who finally graced us with his presence. He explained briefly what he was going to do ... saying that it would feel like a "bee sting" and he would be making four injections. Well, bee sting my foot ... each injection hurt like the bloody devil. Nice Tatiana was holding my hand ... otherwise I would have hurt him.
From Nuclear Medicine we went to surgery on the 7th floor. Everything goes very quickly and my bottom has hardly had time to warm the seat in the family waiting room, before the nurse comes for me to take me to pre-op where I meet my "team".
The surgery is scheduled for 10:30 am but Dr. Knaysi is running late. I am the second operation of the day and there is one more after me. I don't mind waiting. Eventually the doctor stops by and we chat and I tell him to try to take only one lymph node. I've been reading all kinds of terrible things about the effects of taking too many lymph nodes out. I know he will do what he needs to do.
I don't remember anything after that and the next thing I know is waking up in recovery with a throbbing breast and a different set of nurses. I actually remember waking up several times so I must have drifted in and out of consciousness.
The male nurse gives me apple juice and applesauce so that I can take the pain pill and go home! Ah, home to my soft old flannel pajamas and the couch! I sit propped up with pillows and Sarah sits next to me and fetches for me. She chats and shows me dresses that she is looking at for the April wedding she is attending with David, and I am glad that I am home. I love these moments with my child as she talks about everything under the sun and the sound of her voice is so comforting.
And boy, am I glad that I bought those front-fastening sports bra ... it helps to keep the breast from jiggling and hurting more. I had read on one of the discussion boards about the bras and I had hopped over to Walmart before the surgery and picked up two to try them out. Best investment!
I've been looking forward to some cream of chicken soup ... don't know why but I've been thinking about it since I got home, so John makes me some and I eat it with a piece of toast. It doesn't quite do what I expected it to, but I am hungry so I eat as much of it as I can, take another pain pill, and then I go back to the couch. I don't feel so bad and am able to get on FaceBook.
It doesn't take long for the nausea to start and by 10:59 pm, everything I had comes back up, and as I am retching in the downstairs bathroom, I hear Sarah yelling for John. I don't know what she thinks he can do ... she is sweet.
Sleeping is not comfortable. The best position I can get is by piling pillows behind me and laying on my back slightly inclined. I do fall asleep ... glad that this day is over and still am afraid to look at Dr. Knaysi's handiwork.
My first stop after admissions is Nuclear Medicine where I am supposed to get this radioactive dye injected into my breast. This dye will identify the lymph node which the tumor has drained into and that is the lymph node that will be removed.
A nice nurse named Tatiana prepped me and then we waited and waited for the doctor who finally graced us with his presence. He explained briefly what he was going to do ... saying that it would feel like a "bee sting" and he would be making four injections. Well, bee sting my foot ... each injection hurt like the bloody devil. Nice Tatiana was holding my hand ... otherwise I would have hurt him.
From Nuclear Medicine we went to surgery on the 7th floor. Everything goes very quickly and my bottom has hardly had time to warm the seat in the family waiting room, before the nurse comes for me to take me to pre-op where I meet my "team".
The surgery is scheduled for 10:30 am but Dr. Knaysi is running late. I am the second operation of the day and there is one more after me. I don't mind waiting. Eventually the doctor stops by and we chat and I tell him to try to take only one lymph node. I've been reading all kinds of terrible things about the effects of taking too many lymph nodes out. I know he will do what he needs to do.
I don't remember anything after that and the next thing I know is waking up in recovery with a throbbing breast and a different set of nurses. I actually remember waking up several times so I must have drifted in and out of consciousness.
The male nurse gives me apple juice and applesauce so that I can take the pain pill and go home! Ah, home to my soft old flannel pajamas and the couch! I sit propped up with pillows and Sarah sits next to me and fetches for me. She chats and shows me dresses that she is looking at for the April wedding she is attending with David, and I am glad that I am home. I love these moments with my child as she talks about everything under the sun and the sound of her voice is so comforting.
And boy, am I glad that I bought those front-fastening sports bra ... it helps to keep the breast from jiggling and hurting more. I had read on one of the discussion boards about the bras and I had hopped over to Walmart before the surgery and picked up two to try them out. Best investment!
I've been looking forward to some cream of chicken soup ... don't know why but I've been thinking about it since I got home, so John makes me some and I eat it with a piece of toast. It doesn't quite do what I expected it to, but I am hungry so I eat as much of it as I can, take another pain pill, and then I go back to the couch. I don't feel so bad and am able to get on FaceBook.
It doesn't take long for the nausea to start and by 10:59 pm, everything I had comes back up, and as I am retching in the downstairs bathroom, I hear Sarah yelling for John. I don't know what she thinks he can do ... she is sweet.
Sleeping is not comfortable. The best position I can get is by piling pillows behind me and laying on my back slightly inclined. I do fall asleep ... glad that this day is over and still am afraid to look at Dr. Knaysi's handiwork.
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