Today is exactly two months after my cancer diagnosis and of all the days, this is the day that makes me weep. I met with the oncologist, Dr. Susan Schaffer, and there is no way around it, I have to have chemotherapy with all its ugly side effects. The HER2 positive results cannot be ignored. Dr. Schaffer says that in the 10 years she has been doing this, she has seen only 2 or 3 cases like mine, where the tumor is so small but the HER2 is positive.

The recommended treatment is TCH (Taxotere, Carbiplatin, Herceptin) -- once every three weeks for 6 cycles; with Herceptin weekly during chemotherapy; then once every three weeks to total 1 year. Chemotherapy will be given via a port under the skin of my chest. The good Dr. Knaysi will do the procedure. Then of course after chemotherapy comes radiation. How does a human body survive so much?

I feel the frustration building up inside as I think of all the side effects, and I made the mistake of going over to the American Cancer Society to try on wigs, and none fit. I should probably have started with a regular wig place where I would have more choices. I probably would not have felt so helpless and depressed had I been able to find a suitable one.

I had myself a pity party as I scrubbed my shower stall furiously. Just tears of anger, frustration, helplessness ... I know better than to ask "why me?" because the answer will be ... Why not you? Mum went through hell and never once asked that, so I always promised myself that no matter what befell me in this life, I would just deal with it the best way I knew how.

I am still looking for the lesson to be learned here. What am I supposed to learn from having this cancer? What am I supposed to do with this?