Driving and Shopping

This is my last week at home and my first week of driving. I did some shopping with Sarah ... looking for a dress for the wedding she is going to in April in Maryland with David. We did our usual stops -- Kohl's, Marshall's, Ross, and we also hit DSW and Shoe Carnival. I found a pair of brown dress shoes to replace my much maligned old ones. And I wasn't even looking!

We stopped at McDonald's for lunch ... heehee ... what a treat! Sarah asked me something interesting. She looked at me and asked, "Are you afraid, Mummy?" I told her that I wasn't afraid of the cancer, that I knew I was going to survive this, but that I wasn't looking forward to the treatment. I told her not to be afraid and she said that of course she would always be afraid ... I was her mother.

When I thought of it later, I wish I had spent more time assuring her. Because I have not been afraid, I expected other people to feel the same way, and I forgot that she is just a twenty-year-old, terrified that she might lose her mother. I could live 21 more years and the fear will remain with her for all those years. I don't want her to live with the question "Is today the day I lose my mother to cancer?"

I want her to see that I live with hope that I will be there to pick out a wedding dress with her and play with my grandchildren. I want to look into their little faces and see their mother there, and tell them stories about her!

I must tell John to check up on her and maybe make time for just the two of them to talk ... my two rocks must keep each other upright.