I'm feeling pretty good this week. I'm eating well, although some foods still taste horrible and water tastes like sludge but I've found that if you flavor it with slices of lemon, orange and cucumber, I can actually drink it again! I'm exercising at the same resistance level but doing 20 minutes instead of 45, but you know what, I am moving and doing the best I can. Yesterday I managed 20 minutes on the elliptical and 10 minutes of yoga. By the end of the night I was moving like a drunken sailor ... I meant to go one way but my body kept going another. But I went to bed early and slept like a blooming log till this morning.
This is a week that has surprised me and given me hope that I can do this ... I can go through this horrible treatment and not lose my mind. Some days will be hell but as long as I know they will end, I can do this.
It was hard not to go to church on Easter Sunday and I can't even remember the last time I missed service, but I have to stay away from crowds ... what is the term the medical folks are using? "Restrict my activities" ... that is what I am doing. I guess it does make sense .. catching anything would just about kill me with my white blood count being so low. I have read about people wishing for death at times like that. It's bad enough that I have to sit at the reference desk and be exposed to whatever someone is carrying but what choice do I have? This is my job.
People have surprised me this week too ... someone I work with went to Chimayo, New Mexico, and brought me back some healing sands. I was deeply touched and my Catholic soul lit up at that ... I am carrying that tin with me until the doctors tell me that I have my 21 years. Isn't that crazy? I do want those 21 years ... I want to see my child graduate, find her first job, plan her wedding, give birth to her children ... I want to look into those faces and see their mother ... I want the joy of loving them and knowing that life goes on.
Another person dropped off a little note that said "Finding the purpose in pain is the hardest part" and that is so true. In the last four months I have said this to John so many times, I am sure the man sometimes wants to gag me ... "What am I supposed to learn from this?" "What good is supposed to come from this?" I still don't know ...
I do know I have a wonderful band of soul sisters, a wonderful family whom I love beyond all measure, and friends who are the best! I am sending virtual hugs to everyone ... I hope to see you all again in August when this treatment is over.
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